Today what I wanted to talk about was marriage. The reason I've decided on this topic is because after being in a serious relationship your mind starts to look to the future. However, what really made me want to write about this topic was the different people that I was encountering and the different things I was hearing being said. To say the least, "MARRIAGE" gets mixed reviews.
I am a realtor and as you can imagine I come across a lot of different people of whom come from all different walks of life. I encounter doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, professionals, musicians, artists, comedians and etc. An important part of my job is building a relationship as I work with them to find a home that is best suited for their needs. As we work together, I'm sure you can imagine that our conversations aren't all about business. In the community that I'm currently selling, it seems to be a safe haven for the divorced! They just seem to flock to my neighborhood and when I ask, "So, what's prompting you to think about moving?" or another one of my famous questions is "What's going on in your life to make you think about making a move?" The answer that I often get is... "Well, I'm in the middle of a divorce and so I need to find a new home." A lot of times, I find myself in an awkward position because I don't know if it was a welcomed divorce or one that they didn't want to happen but allowed to happen.
My question is does marriage mean anything anymore? Why are 50% of marriages doomed by divorce?
It's funny, I was talking to one of my clients the other day and was reminded again about this very same topic. Here is a successful woman who was married for 30yrs before getting a divorce! We were having a conversation about the market and how proper budget planning is crucial to our futures and she began to tell me to always be prepared. She and her husband had gotten divorced after 30 years of marriage, in the midst of the divorce, she had always thought her name was on all the insurance policies, come to find out, it never was, it was in another woman's name! OUCH! She also began to tell me to mind my own money. She said, "I don't know how your relationship is with your husband, but just be careful!" Meanwhile, my mind quickly diverted to a previous conversation with another woman who had come into my office, on the verge of an emotional breakdown! She confided in me and shared the details of her relationship saying that it was very trying and that her husband was not a docile man and he didn't know she was in my office looking for a home, because if he had known, she'd be in BIG trouble! I was nervous for her!! As we were going over the costs and her financing options, I asked her, how did she intend to pay for the home. She shared with me that her girlfriends had warned her long ago "You always have to have some F U money!"
WHAT???? F U money? Wow... why is it that we have the mentality to prepare for the "what if?"
Don't get this confused with the family's emergency fund, like if the boiler breaks down, or you need a new car or if you encountered rough times, or unexpected bills....
No the "what ifs" that I'm speaking of are, what if they aren't the one? What if, this doesn't work out? What if I don't like everything about this person? What if they don't like everything about me?
What happened to working things out? What happened to fighting for your relationship and everything that brought the two of you together? What happened to the covenant that you made before God? Does none of this mean anything anymore?
Another encounter I had was with a gentleman. He had come into my office alone and after talking a bit we were walking out to the model homes. He said something that made me question him further. He said that he was looking for a home that would initially be used as an investment property and then eventually a primary residence for himself. So I asked, "I'm curious, is there any reason in particular that you would like to purchase something initially as investment and then move in to the home later?" and he answered me saying "Well, if I end up moving here I'll be alone. My wife and I are having problems and I'm considering a plan b, you've always gotta have a plan b!" Wow! Here we go again, another person planning for the worst instead of praying for the best!!!
Am I naive in saying and believing that when I get married, it will not be to get divorced???
I believe in the institution of marriage and everything that it stands for. If we go back to the bible in the beginning when God made Adam, he saw that he needed a help mate. He brought all the creatures that he had created and brought them to Adam and saw that they weren't what he needed and so he put Adam back to sleep and out of his rib he created woman. He created Eve who was to be the perfect mate for Adam. When a man and a woman get married they become one unit, no longer looked at as single. They are now one flesh. A marriage that is ordained by God is blessed. In God's eye's there's not very many reasons to divorce. Ultimately this is because if the courting was done right, prior to the union of marriage,there ought not be many reasons to divorce. I say this because in the bible, we are taught to be evenly yoked. This means, there should be commonality amongst the two people. You should share the same spiritual beliefs, similar upbringings, and so on. It makes for a better more solid relationship if you see eye to eye on most things. A true man or woman of God aren't as likely to hit, or cheat or be mean spirited, because it contradicts with their beliefs. A man of God is told to love his wife how Jesus loves the church. What is Jesus to us? He is our provider, our protector, our friend our confidante. These are all things that our husbands are to be to us. A husband is told to love his wife as he loves his own body. One never did not love their body. One feeds it and cares for it just how Jesus cares for the church. Wives are told to submit to our husbands as we submit to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands. (Eph 5: 22-33) I wonder if we structured our marriages and our households to the way in which it were planned would the divorce rate be as high??? If we followed the handbook of life would we then know that when there is trouble it doesn't last. That when there is trouble it isn't a time to run for cover and hide, but to seek God and his holy counsel and ask Him to heal the wounds of the marriage and watch Him to do it!! If we structured our marriages according to the way in which we ought, would we not see marriages sustain??? A marriage is a covenant a contractual obligation that you enter in before God to love, respect, honor and obey in sickness and in health, through good times and in bad, for better or for worse. It is something that should not be taken lightly and as soon a trouble comes we're heading for the border. By all means if it's an abusive relationship that is unhealthy to you mentally and physically to be in, leave. But in most situations of marriage it can be worked out, prayed on and made through.
So when he finally pops the question and asks to marry me, what will I say???? YES, I WILL... and I'll believe it with my whole heart that though it may be hard work and some days might be better than the others, as long as we keep God first, stay prayerful and keep our vows to eachother... we will work it out and I will not get married just to get divorced... nor will I worry about the "What ifs"!!!
Thank you for joining me for another episode of The "J" Spot. This is Daddy's Girl signing out....
Peace & Blessings
Smooches~~~
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5 comments:
hey girl, its carmen... so i just read your blog, and i have to say that being someone who has celebrated her one year anniversary this past summer i can understand your concern for the state of marital affairs in this country, because i was feeling the same thing initially during my engagement.
here is the thing that i have learned...
while you are working in an industry where many people are coming into or out of a divorce, i work in an industry where 80% of my patients are senior citizens who have endured upwards of 40 to 50 years of marriage (minimum)... almost a lifetime married to someone.
but i have come to learn a lot in my dating life that helped prepare me for my married one. i believe my my whole heart and mind that when you are with someone whether its the beginning middle or end you always know on some level if this person is the right person to spend any given amount of time with. and i can honestly say that every relationship prior to my current marriage i knew that i would not be spending the rest of my life this those other men.
so the point of this rant, is to say that people who end divorced had to have known on some level that this probably isn't their true mate, but they stuck around in hopes to be proven wrong... hence the heart ache and the financial blow when filing for the pending divorce.
the problem that i find, is that people REFUSE to be honest with themselves about the signs they see every day. this is not only limited to relationships, but everything. i believe that the almighty is powerful and in his own way offers hundreds of signs whether they are obvious or not, if your paying attention you will see them and know them.
don't get me wrong i cannot deny the sadness in the divorce rate in this country, but think how much sadder it is when you think about those relationships... how much money was spent on weddings, vacations, children, homes, etc.. all in an effort to distract themselves from the inevitable. i don't claim to be a soothsayer or some all knowing being, for even i have been fooled into thinking something is more or less than it really is. but i am talking about people who are habitually disappointed in life. what aren't they seeing?!
all i can say to you zarinha and / or anyone who read this, is make sure you KNOW your making the best choice, so you can save yourself the headache later.
-carmen
Hi Carmen... Thanks for stopping by The "J" Spot. You know I absolutely have to agree with you. A lot of times there are signs that the the person you hope is the one, really isn't! But we want so much for them to be our soulmate that we ignore the signs, we see what we want to see and that's it. Someone once said, "if someone shows you who they are believe them." This means, if someone says they don't like the color red, beieve them! Don't think that you can convince them otherwise! Don't say... "oh he's just saying that..." When some shows you their true colors, don't think that you can save them, like a lot of women like to do.
This goes back to seeking God for wisdom, I believe that we should consult with Him, ask Him questions and then sit still and listen long enough He'll answer. It may not be the answer we want to hear but it will benefit us in the long run.
Like you when dating you know when a guy/girl isn't the "one" you feel it in the pit of your stomach but you're so in love, or infatuated or in lust that you put those feelings to the side and hope that you can change that person or mold that person to fit your perfect picture and that's not how it works. If you find yourself not able to live with things that person does while you're dating it won't suddently become tolerable when you say I do, he/she won't suddenly stop doing those things because you get married! If he cheats while dating 9 times out of 10 he'll cheat while married! If he is disrespectful while dating he'll probably be the same when married! Usually our feeling can let you know if someone is the "one" or not.
However, I have to say that your feelings can be decieving. You can feel one way about a person and then change your mind, that's why you should always consult with God about who is right for you, because your feelings can lead you astray. If he gives you confirmation that the person you've been with is the one He's made for you then you better fight for it!
I think that sometimes, the younger generation, don't know how to appreciate the many layers and levels to love. Love won't always be lovey dovey touchy feely. Yes that feels good but it won't always be that way! Love is not always associated with a feeling, love is a choice. If you commit to loving someone then you should do it. My parents have been married for 30yrs. My parents have told me what it's like. They have understood that though, it feels good to be lovey dovey and touchy feely love grows and evolves and changes. They have become one. There are not two, they are one and they are best friends and that's what marriages need. God, love (and love in it's purest form) and friendship. That's a solid foundation and a formula to success. The people that you work with that have been married all those years, they've figured that out. The younger generation, seem to suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. Or the it's too late to try epidemic.
Not only do I know that in my heart that this man if for me, it's been confirmed. I've prayed and I've sought and I've been answered. So when times get rough, and I'm sure it will, I won't run away from my relationship with my tail between my legs I'll stand strong in prayer and believe that what God has put together let no man put assunder!
Thanks again Carmen for a great conversation and insight from your own personal experience. Remember to check back with me regularly for new posts at the J Spot!
Daddy's Girl
no but it should. and such saddens me, as if we dont already have enough problems
This is Jamar...the reason I believe most marriages end in divorce is because most people are already uncertain about it in the first place. I don't care what you get into, if you haven't made up your mind that this is what I'm going to do, you'll never give it your all. You can't enter into a marriage with a plan B because your actions will always reflect the fact that if it gets too hard I'll be ok if I decide to leave.
Another great point that you made was the courting period of relationships. We get caught up with other factors if we date outside the scope of God. There is a reason God tells us to wait to have sex because it clouds our decision making and causing us to make life altering decisions based on momentary thrills. And when that thrill has lost its "umph" we are left with no foundation and no reason to fight for the person we said at the alter we loved.
Furthermore, I want to address the fact that if both parties are born again believers and are fully committed to the things of God, when differences and difficulties arise, God becomes what the bible calls him; Wonderful Counselor! I don't care what it is, it can be taken to His word and all is forgiven. Again, as you so excellently wrote it, God lays it out as far as how husband and wife are supposed to behave toward one another. And if we can't submit to God, we will never submit to our spouse or be willing to fight through a few light afflictions!
Lastly, couples need to understand that marriage is of God and whether you believe in Him or not, you are in covenant with Him and are now eligible for the blessings of heaven. As soon as you make your vows, and even before, the devil is mad and he looks to create confusion to remove you and your spouse from the position to receive from God. Relationships and marriage are extremely important to God. He thinks so much of it that He says even we His people decide to turn our backs on Him, He remains married to us! It's time that we as His children and chosen people choose to not other fight for our marriages but press our way through for Him.
Awesome!! Very well said Jamar I absolutely agree 100%. Thank you for stopping by The "J" Spot you wonderful man of God!!
Daddy's Girl
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